crying over a spilled milk.

My presentation.. Everything had just gone. Gone into the winds~~

I don't know. What am i left with, now? I thought after I had changed, I can handle all this. I thought. ONLY.

Things turned out to be upside down.

And now, all I know is.. I have nothing left.

Ain't about the marks.

I had just lost to myself. It's not the battle between groups or.. marks or kiasu-ness or whatsoever.

It's between me and myself.

And that, i couldnt do well.

Looking and glancing at outsiders/ unknown people starring me, hearing my words/ full sentence while i m presenting, everything, i just felt so scared. so nervous. nervous breakdown.

I began to utter/ spilling everything here and there. Broken English, nervousness, confidence, facial expression, ALL GONE.

At that moment, I really wanna stomp off and surrender. With all my hands up high, saying

"I am sorry, I couldn't do this anymore."

I really wanna do that already. Thank God i still managed to continue, with mr nervous flooding around me.

The judges were right.

And yes, the truth is, I ain't confident. I thought i could pretend to be, but somehow my sealed mask had revealed everything.

Maybe I did not use the quality superglue or something.

I don't know why. This ain't my first time presenting in front of the crowd.

From that moment, I knew something: I couldnt allow myself to persue in Marketing and Mass Comm.

Whatever that I had done today had already told me- I ain't suitable for any of them.

Alright. Lets think of the alternatives.

Maybe ADP? Hotel Management?

Alright. I just can't think of anything else.

Maybe i should just force myself to love and excel in math.

I am so sorry. I couldn't smile widely today. I couldn't pretend. Pretend that everything is over. I just wanna stone and.. go home and spill out everything.

I know, It's a no point to cry over a spilled milk, but..

I couldn't take it.

Bearing it for 2 hours was already a good accomplishment.

Although i was stoning and couldn't talk properly and think properly and do anything properly.

I am sorry, kawans/ college mates/ judges/ whoever.

That was the old me.

I know I was so ugly. Well, I just couldn't take any control of it. The other half of me ain't working.

Let's just hope that tomorrow i am alright.

Somehow i felt like.. The super down feeling, like Ive just broke up, got a serious sickness or something.

June, u better start smiling tomorrow.

the happy, jolly one.

I don't deserve a person, loving me.

cuz.. i don't even love myself.

Now.